How cute is this?

I couldn't resist posting at least one of the pictures we had taken the other night. Oh my gosh! Look at that little girl!

A friend of Ashley's is a kindergarten teacher, so Ashley and Chad go into her class every year to help with their Halloween parade. This year they requested to borrow Hannah. She had so much fun. Ashley said she walked right into that room full of big kids and parked herself in the first available seat.

 

"What? I'm just going to school."

"What are you lookin' at?"

Ashley said she kept trying to jump right in and join the parade

"There's nothing like a juice box after a long day at school."

And just one more...

So cute I can't even stand it! (please excuse my annoying, overly obsessed mommyness)

Nice Things

These are our small triumphs for the week:

1. Hannah was so excited to go to nursery this week. We weren’t going to let her go because she had a runny nose, but when we walked past the nursery door she walked right in, so we decided to just let her go and hope she didn’t infect anyone.

2. We got family portraits taken for the first time ever. I’ve been meaning to do it every month since Hannah was born , but finally got around to it. I don’t like how I look in them, but I’ve noticed with these things it just takes a few years for me to be able to look back and think “Man I looked good back then!” I’m not going to post any pictures because I may just be cheap and vain enough to give some of you pictures of myself for Christmas.

3. Devan’s family, plus Chad and Ashley, all came over for Sunday dinner. I was able to fit 11 adults and 5 babies into my apartment and it really wasn’t horrible. I’m so happy to finally have a bigger place. I made soup and attempted my first ever homemade chicken stock. It was so much better than the salty bullion I’d been using.

4. I went to (and enjoyed for that matter) my very first opera. A friend was in it at BYU. It was beautifully done. Good stuff.

5. We got to watch baby Xavier twice this week and Hannah is really warming up to him. When he got to our house the second day Hannah ran into my room saying, “Baby! Baby!” and jumping around. She loves giving him hugs and kisses.

6. I finally got the nerve up to go to an activity of a stay-at-home mom’s group I joined a few weeks ago. It was just pancakes at someone’s house, so it was a nice, low pressure morning. It was still scary and I don’t think I made a great first impression because I was so shy, but I’m glad I went and I’ll try to make myself go to something else next week.

7. I played the piano in Relief Society on Sunday. In our ward, we don’t have a single woman who plays the piano, so we were extended a challenge to practice the piano and learn one hymn that we could play occasionally. Only me and one other girl signed up. I practiced for two weeks and by Sunday felt confident enough to play. Then I got up and completely choked. I don’t know how to catch back up once I lose my place so at least a quarter of the song was sung acapella. I kept getting more and more nervous and my playing kept getting worse and worse when some mean lady in the back would snicker every time I’d mess up. After I was done I said to everyone, “Now I know there have got to be other people here who can do better than that, so step up!” If anyone asks, that was my master plan, to get up and play so badly that I’d guilt other people into playing. After church a member of the Relief Society presidency came up to me and asked me to keep practicing and try to play those same songs again in a month or so. The idea of doing that terrifies me to my core, but I’ve decided I need to be brave.

It’s been a pretty blah week and I really didn’t get much else done other than dragging myself out of bed to go to the occasional class. And I do mean occasional. We’ll see how this semester pans out. Oh! And I finally broke down and went out today looking for a job (yuck!). Devan has only gotten 5 days of work since the third week of August, so please send out happy thoughts that one of us finds something soon. We only have a few more weeks until we don’t have a penny to our name. I know that everything will work out fine, but prayers would be appreciated.

So, that’s been our week in a nutshell. Thank you to everyone for your support last week and for leaving a record number of comments. I sincerely apologize to everyone whose phone calls I haven’t returned. As you probably know, I’m not great at answering my phone even when everything is okay. But we’re still here and hanging on. Love you all!
 

Witches Night Out

The last few days have been a little rough on us. I had a miscarriage over the weekend. I was only about 7 weeks along, but I was feeling very pregnant and now it's a little bit of a shock that it's all over. It started Thursday, but I wasn't positive it was happening until about midday on Friday. Friday afternoon we went to the temple and I sat there and cried and cried for about 10 minutes and didn't know how I'd ever find peace. But after a few minutes the crying stopped and I knew that everything would be okay and that I had work to do. Friday night we got pizza and stayed home and watched a movie and I made Hannah one of her Christmas presents-- this cute tutu!

Saturday was a craft day for the women at church. I made a really cute Christmas craft, but I won't post a picture of it because a couple of you are getting one for Christmas. It was fun, but I was starting to really hurt, so I left early.

Saturday night Ashley called and invited me to go to Witches Night Out at Gardner Village. From their website, "Gardner Village contains the outlines of the once bustling early Utah mill industry and history. What remains today is a cluster of retail specialty shops located in restored cabins, houses and buildings nestled adjacent to the Gardner Mill. Vintage pioneer architecture, antique fixtures, red brick paths and bridges over a pond, create a relaxing and enjoyable atmosphere for shopping, dining and discovering some of Utah's most colorful history. " Witches Night Out is a Halloween themed girls night out one weekend of every October. There were sales and prizes and food and everyone looked amazing. I felt a little silly going out in public in a witch's hat, but if I hadn't I would have been the only one there without one. Some people really go all out!

We're going to make sure we have better costumes next year

We had fun. We ate a caramel apple and I bought a Christmas ornament for Hannah. It was just so nice to have some girl time to get my mind off everything.

When we were done, Chad and Ashley took Hannah and she spent the night at their house. They said she had fun there and it was so nice for us to have a little break.

I think that Sunday has been the worst day so far. We went to church and then I had a ton of homework I had to do by Monday. I had the hardest time concentrating. I spent a lot of the day wandering around the house in a fog. But I got all my work done and went to school today and feel much better than I did yesterday.

I can't believe how much this hurt both emotionally and physically. I can only remember two other times in my life where I've been in so much emotional pain that I thought  "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy" (maybe people who are much better than me think that more often). I'm ashamed to admit it, but I sometimes used to look at people my age who had trouble having kids and think, "Enjoy it while you can. Go out and get a degree. You don't know what you're getting yourself into." I don't think that anymore. My heart breaks for all the women who have to go through this, but don't have a sweet Hannah to love them.

I'm so grateful for the hope that I have. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and if I just trust in that plan, my life will be more marvelous than I can imagine. I'm grateful for my Savior. I'm grateful for the knowledge I have that he didn't just suffer for the sins of the world. He took upon himself all our pains and sicknesses and inadequacies. He paid the price for all the unfair things that happen to us, so that when bad things happen we don't have to become bitter. We can pick up and move on knowing that he can make all broken things new.

I'm so grateful for all my wonderful family and sweet friends who give me so much love and support. Now I'm going to try to enjoy not having any more morning sickness for a while. I'm not sure we'll try again really soon, because in case you don't know, being pregnant really stinks, and I think I'll give myself a rest. So, if you don't hear any baby news anytime soon, don't worry. I'm probably not barren.

Wise Words

This evening we took Hannah to the park and met a 4th grader named Veronica who had some parenting advice:

"Rule #1 - Always keep an eye on them"

"Rule #2 - Take care them like a baby dinosaur." Devan and were both sure that first she said, "Kill them like a dinosaur", but she changed her story quickly when I told her that's kinda gross.

"Rule #3 - You're lucky you're young, because when you're old, you're kids drive you crazy!"

"Rule #4 - Be sure you know their personalities so you can give them what they need...like baby bottles, and baby carriages...a baby carriage is just a shorter way of saying 'carry your baby'."

She went all the way up to Rule 2007 (she skipped a few along the way). She says she's always there on Fridays, I think we'll go back next week for some more guidance.

Kettle Corn, Leg Warmers and Fat Lips

I can already tell this is going to be a super long post, and I apologize, but we just had way too much fun this weekend!

Saturday Devan spent all day at his parent's house working on the car. I planned on getting a bunch done at home, but all I really did was watch about 4 episodes of "Lost" (help, Heather, I'm totally addicted!) and make some baby leg warmers.

It wasn't until after they were finished that I realized she doesn't have any clothes that match them, but I figure it's almost Halloween, it works. Saturday evening we went to a pumpkin patch and corn maze with some old friends. This isn't a good picture, but these are all the girls that were there:

From left to right it's me and Hannah, Ashley and Xavier (more about him later), Aubrey, Candace and Becca, Misty, and Robin. Ashley, Misty and I were all roommates. Misty and I got married around the same time and Candace moved in about a month before our weddings. After I moved out, Aubrey moved into that apartment. And Robin is Ashley's brother-in-law's girlfriend.

And the boys to match...

We had another roommate named Stephanie who couldn't be there because she had to work all weekend, so Ashley took care of her 2 month old son from Saturday afternoon until Sunday night. He's just the sweetest little baby. He makes me want another one so badly!

We had a great time in the corn maze. Hannah did pretty well and walked through almost the whole thing. Although she seemed a little disorented because it was so dark. The only downside of the experience is that the pumpkin patch wasn't selling kettle corn! All day long I'd been looking forward to fresh kettle corn and hot apple cider. I was so disappointed that (of course)after the corn maze I had to go to the store and get kettle corn and cider. Then we met up at Candace and Andrew's house for some games.

Hannah's favorite game was playing dress-up the baby. I feel sorry for my kid if I have a boy next.

And so, because of my moment of popcorn weakness, we've had kettle corn around our house all weekend.

This morning we went to church and it was Hannah's first Sunday to be able to go to the nursery since she turned 18 months on Friday. She cried a little when we dropped her off, but no one had to come get us at all and we were able to enjoy 2 hours of church with no squirming baby on our laps. It was the greatest feeling.

This evening we went over to Ashley and Chad's for dinner and to carve the pumpkins. Ashley is so great at holidays. The decorations, food and company were all amazing. The food especially. I promised myself I wasn't going to succumb to holiday food this year, but I don't think that's going to happen.

To get as much use out of it as we could, Hannah went to the party in her Halloween costume.

But she changed halfway through because Ashley got her these cute Halloween clothes.

Hannah was so jealous of the baby. This looks like a sweet picture, but she's actually trying to grab Xay and pull him off her dad's lap.

Hannah had a great time playing with Becca. Hannah is just one month older. I babysat Rebecca for about a month when she was 3 months old, but I haven't seen her since. I've missed that baby and I can't believe how big she's gotten. She's a very sweet, quiet, good girl. She was so good about listening to her parents and not getting into trouble. I think every time she did something she wasn't supposed to it was because she was copying Hannah. I have a feeling we're going to have trouble with that girl. I didn't realize how feisty Hannah was until I saw her next to Rebecca. But Hannah is pretty dang funny, so maybe it's all worth it.

Ashley got pumpkins for the girls to paint and it started out really well...

And turned into this...

This is what Becca thinks about not being allowed to eat the paint...

I HATE to carve pumpkins, but I LOVE having carved pumpkins on my doorstep so I sucked it up and did it. Mine is the one fourth from the left. For some reason once I got the top off, I couldn't get it back on. But that's okay. I think it makes him look fancy...kind of like a top hat.

It was a great weekend. It was nice to do things we all enjoyed and to spend time together with friends.

Immediately after I took this picture I dropped the camera on my face. Now my lip is swollen and I'm way excited to go to school tomorrow.

My Shameful Confession

We've lived in this apartment for 6 weeks and 3 days and never once has every room been clean at the same time. That's why you've seen no pictures. So, I'm going to break down and combine the pictures I've taken in various stages of cleanliness and call it good.

Walking in the front door you see...


And yes, that is a colander in the bottom left corner. Hannah managed to throw that in at the last second.


The dining room. Here she'd just snuck over, put a pen on the table and is running away. (I wonder why I've never been able to have everything clean at the same time?)

The flowers on the table were a gift from Devan yesterday. They were an apology for always being so mean to me when I'm nothing but lovely. I'm paraphrasing just a little.

From where I'm standing, the kitchen is directly behind me. There will be no pictures of the kitchen, ever, because it will never be clean. Come visit me sometime and I'll cook for you and then you won't mind the mess in the kitchen so much.

Then we walk down the hall a little ways and come to Hannah's room!

Hannah loves having her own room, but not nearly was much as Mom loves having her own room!

Through our bedroom there's a door to a toilet, then you walk through the shower room...

an pop out across the hall from Hannah's room.


We're so excited about our new home. It's twice the size of our first apartment and I'm so grateful to have so much space!

Adventures in Wyoming

Hannah can walk down all the stairs all by herself now.

Monday Devan was able to get some work in Evanston, Wyoming. It's about an hour and a half away, which isn't terrible, but it also isn't great and he probably wouldn't have bothered with it if he'd worked more than 2 days in the last 7 weeks. So, he went up there to work and got a nice 12 hour day and I took a Portuguese test that I'm pretty sure I didn't fail. On my way home from school that night I called to see how much longer he'd be and found out he'd broken down in the middle of an intersection in Evanston. So Hannah and I drove out to save him. It was my first time ever traveling to Wyoming, so that was a little exciting. The next day he had school all day so we had to wait until Wednesday to do anything about the car.

On Tuesday I had to drop him off at school so I'd have the car for school. When I picked him up during his break we decided to go out to lunch because that always seems to make us feel better when we're sad that our car is broken, however counterproductive it may be. During lunch we taught Hannah how to dip her french fries.


I'm just so proud!


I've been feeling completely unmotivated about school lately. I sometimes feel like my classes are a waste of my time. For example, last week my physics teacher didn't show up to class twice in one week. If she isn't taking the class seriously, why am I? I feel like the last few weeks I've been putting in less and less effort and I'm still getting good grades. I get frustrated when I feel like I'm not being taught as much as I'd like to be. So...on Wednesday I decided to blow off school and go with Devan and his brother and sister-in-law to rescue the car. We rented a trailer to pull a car and towed it home with their truck. It was actually a nice day. I got to see the scenery on I-80 in the daylight.

After we got home we worked on homework for about 7 hours, taking turns to throw crackers to Hannah and restart the "Bolt" DVD. Usually if I miss a day of class it's that much harder to go the next day and it becomes a downward spiral. But yesterday really was a good day to recharge my batteries and I went back today with a renewed resolve to work hard even if I hate ALL my classes.

I don't know what's been wrong with me lately, but I've just been feeling blah all the time. I had a really bad cold a couple of weeks ago and I was exhausted all the time and it seemed like anything I tried to do was so much harder than I thought it should be. I think that it really shook my confidence in myself and my belief that I can "tough it out" when life gets hard. I felt like all my zest for life had been beaten out of me and I couldn't seem to get it back. The last couple of weeks it's been a major struggle just to get myself to exercise one or two days a week and I've been eating worse than I had in months. I was so scared that everything I'd worked so hard for was slipping away and I was too lazy to work to get it back.

Assessing my life these last few days I've realized a few things. First, I can't make excuses, ever. I either do something or I don't. It doesn't matter if I'm tired or don't feel well or am busy. I either find a way to get things done or I don't. At the end of the day all the excuses and justifications fall away and all you have left is what you actually accomplished.

Second, no matter how hard I try I'm never going to feel happy and positive and successful all the time. What matters is that I do what I need to do whether the good feelings are there or not. I love the way that C.S. Lewis put it in The Screwtape Letters (for those who aren't familiar with the book, it's a satirical series of letters written by a demon named Screwtape on how to best tempt a human and eventually win his soul for their side. The "Enemy" he refers to is of course the enemy of the devil, Heavenly Father.) Screwtape talks about how humans, by their very nature, will always have peak and trough periods, especially pertaining to spirituality. He writes, "You may have often wondered why the Enemy [God] does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But now you see that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve.

"He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them...But he never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdrawals, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs -- to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during these trough periods, much more than during the peak periods that he is becoming the sort of creature He wants it to be...

"He cannot 'tempt' to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there, He is pleased even with their stumbles."

I think that this can be applied to most of our undertakings in life. Anything we do to try to improve ourselves so that we can better serve the world is spiritual in nature. I think that when we begin to change our lives we're blessed with motivation and energy to get us going. But I think part of Heavenly Father's plan is to not always have that motivation. We need to learn to "carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish." And we are promised that if we just keep trying and come unto Him, we will find rest and refreshment (Matthew 11:28-30). It doesn't matter if I stumble; it only matters that I keep going, even when I don't want to.

So I'm recommiting myself to study hard, and to take care of myself and to be the best parent I can be. I'm going to remember that it's just about making small improvements everyday. We will all wander off the path we want to be on; all the matters is that we find our way back as quickly as possible.

One of my favorite quotes is by Calvin Coolage, "Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not, nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Geneius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race."

That's all there is to it: press on, be strong, just keep going.