The theme of the month of November was "Northwest Animals." During the tram ride Hannah kept saying she had antlers. I'm pretty sure she learned that in school.
The antler moments were possibly the only happy parts of the tram ride. She spent the whole time whining and crying that Teacher Nancy wasn't in the same car as us. I told her that there were too many people to fit in one car so some people had to ride in the second car. She cried and said, "But there's an empty seat right there!"As soon as the ride was over, she ran up ahead of me and grabbed Teacher Nancy's hand and held it tight.
I think preschool has been so good for her. She loves her teacher so much. Sometimes I'm at home trying to get her to do something, like put on her coat and she says, "Cause Teacher Nancy wouldn't like it if I didn't wear a coat?" She wants so much to please Teacher Nancy.
I'm having such a hard time because she loves school and I think that the stability of preschool has been really good for her with everything that's been changing at home. But I don't know if I can keep up the demands of preschool. Sad, huh? I'm really debating taking her out of school.
The preschool is a co-op, which is really cool because it's parent run. The teacher is the only paid position and Nancy has been the teacher for many years. I was really excited to be involved in something that required so much parental involvement, but now that baby is here and my life is turned upside down, it's a little too much parental involvement.
We have to help in the class 2-3 times a month, getting there early to help set up the class and then cleaning up when class is over. This takes about 3 and a half hours total. And you're BUSY the whole time. So, with drive time, that's over 4 hours when it's not possible for me to feed Joshua. I felt like my chest was going to explode by the time I was done working last week. Younger siblings aren't allowed in the class because of insurance reasons. I've worked it out with another parent with a toddler to trade babysitting there in another room at the preschool, which will be great, but that means that I'm going to have to be at the school at least once a week for the rest of the year either as the parent helper, or watching the littlier kids. In addition to working in the classroom, we have 3 fundraisers a year that we have minimum amounts that we have to sell. We also have to have a committee position. Mine is working on our "fun fair" fundraiser in March, so work for that will begin in January. We're also affiliated with Bates Technical College, so we have to get "parent education credits." One way to get these credits is to go to parenting classes at Bates one evening a month.
I know that it might not sound like too much in terms of hours, 4 hours a week, plus 1 evening a month in class, plus any other committee and fundraising work, but for me right now, it's a lot. If Hannah was my youngest it might not be as big of a deal, but when I have two babies who can't walk downstairs, I feel like just leaving my third floor apartment is a big deal.
Ugh! I'm such a whiner. I want to do what's best for Hannah, but I also want to do what's best for me. I know that as mothers we need to take time to take care of ourselves, but I also know that sometimes we just need to suck it up and do what's best for our children. I don't know which time this is.
And then there are the little boys to think about. I had such a hard time nursing Ben and I think that it's because I tried to do too much too fast after he was born. I was always running around doing something, trying to push back his feeding time as long as I could. I don't want to do that to Joshua. I don't want to put the needs of one child over the needs of another. My midwife Charlene told me to really take it easy the first 6 months or so. She said with how anemic I was, my body needs lots of time to recover. She said recommended I don't accept any demanding callings and not to spend too much time driving all over the place. She said to think of taking care these 3 kids as my full-time job. She said that when women get busy and stressed, their milk supply tends to drop. This was a tough pill for me to swallow. I don't want to feel like I'm being lazy, the days when I don't have anything outside of the house to do, I stay in my pajamas all day and forget to bush my teeth. Haiving responibilities and appointments is good for me. But I also don't want to do so much that I'm exhausted and irritable all the time. But at the same time, I worry about Hannah getting the attention she needs. The babies take so much of my time and energy. I want her to have a place to go where she can learn and grow as a person.
I don't know what the answer is. I know that I need to pray about it, but I'm afraid to. I know I won't like whatever answer I get. I don't want to have preschool take up that much of my life, but I also don't want Hannah to have to leave her teacher and her friends. Ugh....this wasn't where this post was supposed to end up, but thanks for giving me the chance to vent.
