The last few days have been a little rough on us. I had a miscarriage over the weekend. I was only about 7 weeks along, but I was feeling very pregnant and now it's a little bit of a shock that it's all over. It started Thursday, but I wasn't positive it was happening until about midday on Friday. Friday afternoon we went to the temple and I sat there and cried and cried for about 10 minutes and didn't know how I'd ever find peace. But after a few minutes the crying stopped and I knew that everything would be okay and that I had work to do. Friday night we got pizza and stayed home and watched a movie and I made Hannah one of her Christmas presents-- this cute tutu!
Saturday was a craft day for the women at church. I made a really cute Christmas craft, but I won't post a picture of it because a couple of you are getting one for Christmas. It was fun, but I was starting to really hurt, so I left early.
Saturday night Ashley called and invited me to go to Witches Night Out at Gardner Village. From their website, "Gardner Village contains the outlines of the once bustling early Utah mill industry and history. What remains today is a cluster of retail specialty shops located in restored cabins, houses and buildings nestled adjacent to the Gardner Mill. Vintage pioneer architecture, antique fixtures, red brick paths and bridges over a pond, create a relaxing and enjoyable atmosphere for shopping, dining and discovering some of Utah's most colorful history. " Witches Night Out is a Halloween themed girls night out one weekend of every October. There were sales and prizes and food and everyone looked amazing. I felt a little silly going out in public in a witch's hat, but if I hadn't I would have been the only one there without one. Some people really go all out!
We're going to make sure we have better costumes next year
We had fun. We ate a caramel apple and I bought a Christmas ornament for Hannah. It was just so nice to have some girl time to get my mind off everything.
When we were done, Chad and Ashley took Hannah and she spent the night at their house. They said she had fun there and it was so nice for us to have a little break.
I think that Sunday has been the worst day so far. We went to church and then I had a ton of homework I had to do by Monday. I had the hardest time concentrating. I spent a lot of the day wandering around the house in a fog. But I got all my work done and went to school today and feel much better than I did yesterday.
I can't believe how much this hurt both emotionally and physically. I can only remember two other times in my life where I've been in so much emotional pain that I thought "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy" (maybe people who are much better than me think that more often). I'm ashamed to admit it, but I sometimes used to look at people my age who had trouble having kids and think, "Enjoy it while you can. Go out and get a degree. You don't know what you're getting yourself into." I don't think that anymore. My heart breaks for all the women who have to go through this, but don't have a sweet Hannah to love them.
I'm so grateful for the hope that I have. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and if I just trust in that plan, my life will be more marvelous than I can imagine. I'm grateful for my Savior. I'm grateful for the knowledge I have that he didn't just suffer for the sins of the world. He took upon himself all our pains and sicknesses and inadequacies. He paid the price for all the unfair things that happen to us, so that when bad things happen we don't have to become bitter. We can pick up and move on knowing that he can make all broken things new.
I'm so grateful for all my wonderful family and sweet friends who give me so much love and support. Now I'm going to try to enjoy not having any more morning sickness for a while. I'm not sure we'll try again really soon, because in case you don't know, being pregnant really stinks, and I think I'll give myself a rest. So, if you don't hear any baby news anytime soon, don't worry. I'm probably not barren.
4 comments:
I love you and I wish I could just show up at your house and make you feel better. Alas. If you want to chat, I'm here.
Dear Alex,
I'm so sorry you had a miscarriage. I know how hard it is to miscarry. I also miscarried at 10 weeks along when I was 39 years old (I won't tell you how long ago that was). It had taken my 2 years to get pregnant that time and I knew my chances were running out. It was my last pregnancy.
In this life we don't really understand why or what it means when this happens. If it makes you feel better you can write in your journal to this baby, and send her blessings. I was so worried at the time that it was my fault and that I did something to cause the miscarriage because as a Mother we protect our children. There is nothing we did or didn't do! God is in control and everything will be alright.
Take good care of yourself! If you have any pain or other symptoms please check in with your doctor. I had some complications and it took me about 3 weeks to heal physically, but much longer to heal emotionally.
Sending love and hugs your way!
"Mama" Jane
Alex, Devan, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I tried to call just now and got your voice mail. It's so hard to think of anything useful to say at a time like this. I think sometimes all a person can do is count their blessings. You have each other, and Hannah, and a lot of family and friends who love you all very much. I'm praying for you both.
Love, Dad
Alex and Devan, I am so sorry to hear about your loss, there really are no words, yet we all want to try, because we love you so much, and just want to make all the pain go away.
I am so happy to hear that you are trying to do fun things and just carry on, your faith astounds me. I am so proud of you and how you live your life!!
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