Just Waiting

I'm now 3 days past one estimated due date (have to keep reminding myself of the estimated part) and I have the due date the third trimester ultrasound gave me coming up in 4 days. I'm feeling much better than I did a few days ago.

This morning I went through the baby clothes while Hannah was at school. I'd never even boxed up the newborn clothes since I got pregnant when Ben was still so little so they've been sitting in a drawer waiting for Joshua for 9 months now. Even though I knew they were all there and waiting for him, I pulled them out and looked at them and refolded them. I can't believe he'll be that tiny. I can't believe Ben was that tiny 14 months ago.

I got so excited to hold my baby. And then came peace. Finally. He will come when the time is right.

I've been spending so much time afraid of what is going to happen when I go into labor. I sleep fitfully every night hoping each contraction is a "real" one because I'm so afraid that I'll go into labor when I'm home alone with the kids. I've been upset at the last 4 weekends that have come and gone with no baby. Devan is only going to be able to take 2 or 3 days off work, so I keep hoping that the baby will come on a Thursday or Friday so I can have him home longer while I recover. I've been wearing myself out trying to keep the house looking good for company so that when the midwife comes, I won't be have to be embarassed over the crackers on the carpet and the little girl panties in the bathroom. I've convinced myself that while I'm in labor nothing will irritate me more than having a stack of papers to file on my desk.

I've been so anxious and so fearful about everything. But I don't need to be. Why do I put this kind of pressure on myself and my little baby? Everything will work out the way it needs to. We will have a baby and he will be beautiful and he will be ours forever. It doesn't matter if it happens tomorrow or in 2 weeks. It will happen when it's meant to happen. It makes me happy to finally believe that.