I'm done. I don't think I can do this anymore. I've been saying that for a week and a half now, but each day just gets longer and harder. This morning I heard Hannah stirring at about 5:00. I laid in bed, waiting for her to fall back to sleep and thought, "I'm going to be a good mom today. I'll make them hot breakfast, not just throw crackers on their high chair trays. And we'll go to the park. Maybe we'll even walk there." That was 2 and a half hours ago. Hannah has not been back to sleep and I'm melting down.
We made it through breakfast. Potatoes and eggs. Not the most nutritious breakfast, but at least they got a protein and a good carb. And after the bar being set at Cheeze-its and dry frosted flakes, I'm feeling pretty good about myself.
I'm still at least 3 days from my due date. I promised myself I would never be a person to whine about not having a baby early. The other two were early and I was taken completely by surprise. I'd been telling myself they were going to be late and then when I didn't make it to my due date, I wasn't prepared. This time, having never made it to a due date, I made sure I was ready early. Bags are packed and we're just sitting around waiting to get this show on the road. And here's why I want to kill myself. Any time I do anything that's not lying in bed whining, I get contractions. Seriously, I stand up for 10 minutes to do the dishes and I'm in so much pain I have to go lay down. But then of course, when I lay down, the contractions stop and NO BABY COMES OUT!
I'm just so tired. I can't sleep at night, as everyone who's ever been 9 months pregnant understands and if I can get Ben down for a nap and Hannah to leave me alone long enough to fall asleep for 10 minutes during the day, then it's been a pretty good day. My midwife did a blood draw last week and it came back that I'm anemic, (iron deficient) vitamin B deficient, vitamin D deficient, and foliate deficient. She saw the numbers and said, "I'm not surprised that you're tired." I'm just so ready for my body to be mine again. If you count the miscarriage and two full-term pregnancies, I've spent 20 of the last 25 months pregnant. The time I spent nursing brings it down to maybe a month or two in the last 2 years that I haven't spent completely supporting another human life. I'm tired and sore. So very, very tired.
I shouldn't complain. I want this baby so badly. Of all my kids, this is the one I knew most strongly that I was supposed to have now. When I prayed about it I knew that it was the right time to try to get pregnant. I remember I was so happy getting that answer because it was what I wanted and because it meant that Heavenly Father knew that I could do it, even though it would be hard. It's been so much harder than I thought it would be. Maybe harder than anything I've done in my entire life. And I don't think I've done a great job. I think we're in survival mode and have been for nearly the entire year. I'm not a good mother. I'm in pain and these kids are in my face every minute of the day from the time I wake up alone to the time I put them to bed alone. And then I yell. A lot.
No wonder baby doesn't want to come out.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Sounds to me you're not a bad mother...you're a mother. Every mother I know deals with the same things, and you're pregnant...very pregnant. Trust me that adding another stress (being the perfect mother) is not going to help things. It will make things so much harder.
Do your kids love you? Do you love your kids? Are they fed? Clothed? (or at least have a diaper on)
Chances are the answer is yes to all of that. And though we lose it at times, finding ourselves yelling until we're hoarse, crying until there are no tears left to cry, and lying there not wanting to bother with it while the kids scream and wail around us, it doesn't mean we are bad mothers, it means we are human.
Take comfort that you are not alone in the battle. And that you are doing so much more for your children than you think. You are there for them. You love them. You love them so much that you feel that whatever you do isn't enough to show them, and that thought process alone tells me you are a wonderful mother.
Oh Alex, I really REALLY get what you're going through. Last year when I was pregnant with #4 and David was gone, I was the most horrible, yelling, irritated, impatient mom on the planet. And I SO get the survival mode, and I SO get the in your face from morning until night. Its hard, and I mean incredibly hard. You're a good mom even if you don't feel like it, kids are strong and all they care about is if you love them. It will be fine. I was a week overdue and had never been late before, try not to think about a due date. (I know thats impossible.) I'll say a prayer for you every night okay? :)
Alex, I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I wish I could say something that would help you to not be so tired and take your stress away. I don't know what it's like to be a mother of two with one on the way. But what I do know is that I've always admired you as a mother and person. You were always so sweet to me and Noelle and you completely changed Noelle's attitude about nursery. She loves it because of you and you putting forth the effort to include her. Whenever I've watched you with your kids I can just tell without a doubt how much you love them. Getting angry, frustrated and upset is all part of it. I just look up to you and hope that this baby comes for you soon. I think that will help a lot with the stress even though there will be one more mouth to feed. Take care and good luck. We miss you guys!
Oh Alix! I wish I were close by to help you. I can only imagine how you're feeling. Pray for patience 100 times a day. It helps. You're doing great and this is something you'll be able to look back on see how strong you really are...even if you're yelling. I understand the yelling. it happens.
You are incredible and you have a wonderful family! I'm in Awe of all you're doing right now! Good luck!
I love you! I'm praying for you!
Post a Comment